So I guess that’s that…It’s not fair.

Well the visit with the oncologist was long and informative and exhausting all at the same time. It boils down to this.

I have a 6 inch cyst on my left ovary, yup you read that right six inches.  It is pushing my bladder and my uterus out of position which has been causing some auxiliary problems that I just thought were part of getting older.

The surgery will remove both ovaries, both fallopian tubes, my uterus and my cervix. They will be doing an open incision because they want to remove everything in tact so that they can do a frozen dissection and test for any other pre cancerous/cancerous cells.

I will be spending 4 to 5 days in the hospital afterwards and then 6 to 8 weeks on home rest after that.

Good news is that I will have plenty of time to complete my last three classes, bad news I won’t be able to do anything much.

We were hoping to keep one of my ovaries so that we could harvest eggs and possibly use a surrogate but the percentage of having viable eggs is less than 20% so adoption it is for us.

I’m sad, angry and ready to shout at the world it’s not fair. Because to be honest it’s not.

My husband and I have stable income a beautiful home and deeply desire to have a family of our own. Nieces and nephews are great but it’s just not the same.  Why is it that those that do not have these things can pop kids out seemingly on a whim?

I believe in choice and accountability for your actions but it’s just not fair. When I think about all the babies that are lost to abortions or not wanted or harmed by their “parents”.  Especially when their are loving couples that can provide all the love and support for these children. How do we live in a world where children are abused and tossed away so effortlessly?

When did it become okay for human life to become disposable? AGAIN and I can’t stress this enough what you decide to do with your body and the things that go in and come out of it is your business and your choice. I have no right to tell you what is right for you but for those of us that don’t have a choice it is very painful. It crushes our very souls. It weighs us down and makes us want to rip a new one in the fabric of society.

At the end of the day I will take my meds, put my cpap on and lay down and go to sleep and wake up in the morning with all these feelings bubbling to the surface. It has been like that for ten years. The yearning and desperate desire to be a mother, and who knows how much longer that desire will go unfulfilled.

At the end of it all I get to feel like it’s not ever fair nor will it ever be. I know there is no promise of fairness in this mortal life we live. I know that, and can’t change it.  I can acknowledge it and struggle to accept it but I don’t have to like it. Acceptance and like are not equal to each other. So therefore I can accept this hand dealt to me but I don’t have to like it.

As The Universe Turns- Welcome to Wednesdays

The people in our universe are really showing their stupidity and we have become a parody of ourselves. From politicians to local public emergency service employees.  Just this week two different so called Republican politicians have opened their mouths and inserted their foots by making a mockery of rape victims and by saying that breast milk can “cure a homosexual”. Really people? Now you just making things up.  I’d link the stories but they are just too stupid to be for real.

Also in the last month one local sheriffs deputy was arrested for taking cellphone pictures of a young female minor. Then just a day ago a local EMT and Volunteer Firefighter Chief was arrested for stealing money while on a call to the home of a recently deceased. Yes that’s right stole money out of the purse of a dead woman…

What happen to our society?

When did our society get so stupid?

How in the world did we let it get so bad?

I’m almost 40 I’m the daughter of baby boomers. I was taught that stealing is always wrong, that unless you have true quantifiable evidence don’t spread crap around. I was taught by my grandmother, part of the greatest generation, that if you have a job to do, do it right and well the first time. Doing just enough to get by is not an acceptable work ethic.  A hard truth is always and forever better than a sweetened lie.  Tip your servers according to their level of service. It’s okay to fire your doctor or dentist if they don’t listen to you. It’s also okay to walk away when a job, person or situation puts your moral character at risk. Most importantly never do anything to embarrass yourself, your family or the company/organisation you are with.  Now I pepper that last statement that we all do stupid things and there are just some things we can’t avoid. When those happen you be as graceful as you can be and apologize for any harm you have done.

Is it too much to ask  for a bit of civility? For some manners and kindness?