The Universe

My view of the world around me has changed over the last few years.  I let others influence how I felt just by not daring to use my own voice.  It’s really easy to let that happen. You hear someone speak or read an article and on the surface, you may agree with it. You may like what that article or blog says and repost it, share it in some way or even reblog it.

The problem with sharing on other people’s viewpoints is that soon you give up your own personal identity.  We often find that it is easier to let someone else speak for us because then we can say “Well I never really said that,” but if we are honest with ourselves on some level we allowed that article or blog to speak for us.

I am delving pretty deep here so stick with me.

Not long ago in a country not so far way a man began to speak for some of the people, and when those that didn’t believe in what that man was teaching they just lowered their heads and tried to keep from being noticed. This led to the man gaining more influence and more power and the more he had the more monstrous he became. This man was an artist and a writer and had a strong view that things in his country needed to change, he felt that his way was the best way to regain stability in his country.

People kept their heads down and minded, what they thought, was their own business. Soon their neighbors and shopkeepers and friends began to disappear. Not wanting to disappear themselves they kept quiet and were kept in a fearful state.

Soon people had to carry documents with them at all times that told those in charge just who they were. If you had no documents you disappeared, sometimes never to be seen or heard from again.

Now there were people that stood up and did not let this man or his followers dictate what they did. They risked their lives to help many others. Wishing every day they could do more.

At the end of this madness, over 11 million people were slaughtered. Brillant men and women whose lives were snuffed out never to be able to share that brilliance with the world. Musicians, doctors, lawyers, politicians, mothers, fathers, sons and daughters were torn from their families and lost their lives.

The people in this country said after “If I had only known, I would have done something.” If those that watched boxcars filled with the 11 million people had looked up and paid attention and had stood up as their neighbors were dragged from their homes than and only then, the world might be a different place today.

That was in Germany if you didn’t already figure it out, during World War II.

Sadly, in the United States today people just over a year ago were so wrapped up in wanting change that they only listened to the slogan “Make America Great Again” that they didn’t care who was behind it, or what that actually meant. The candidate was a smooth talker and was like Teflon nothing negative stuck to him. It all just seemed to slide right off and somehow he came out on top of it all.

We now have families creating back up plans and escape routes and carrying their papers with them in case INS shows up and raids their place of work or the bus they are riding on or the school they are attending.  See it doesn’t matter if you are from a family that has been here for generations and is natural citizens because you look a certain way or from a certain heritage or coloring, you are a suspicious person and subject to search and seizure or arrest till you can prove you are here legally.

The fear-mongering that is going on is no different than in Hitlers Germany no so long ago.  Families should not have to have back up plans or contingencies or be renting lockers in bus stations with “go bags” in case they have to flee.

How is this “Making America Great Again” how is this even close to being great? How did we come full circle and let this happen? Yes, we let it happen we stood by and decided that our voice wasn’t going to be loud enough to change anything so we stayed home and didn’t vote because there was no one good enough to vote for. We have let the two party system tear our nation to shreds. We have handed criminals the keys to the country and have let them run amuck. All the while saying well there is nothing that I can do, my voice, my vote, my opinion doesn’t matter.

See that is what the problem with America is. Those that oppose the criminals feel oppressed and held down with no voice and no power. But I say that is not true.  We have seen hundreds of thousands of women from different backgrounds, liberal, moderate, conservative step up and step out and create a movement to be heard. We have also had those women criticized for marching and protesting and asking for the freedoms they already have. Just because you do not feel oppressed does not make these women any less than you.

This is the time where your voices are needed the most, this is the time to use your social media to blow the algorithms to shreds by changing the conversation by letting your voice be heard. It matters, so much so that we cannot let those voices be smothered and shamed.

How do you do this? How do you find your voice? You read not just one article, one tweet, you take the time and you dig and you dig and you figure out where you stand and when you find it you stake claim to it and you shout it from the top of the mountains for all to hear.

Once voice becomes many and many voices can become a movement and a movement can make our future and the future of our nation and our global community a better place.

TL;DR Find your voice, stand up for those that are being silenced and help where you can, doing what you can with what you have. Don’t let those without a voice disappear because you were too busy following the Kardashians instead of the great world around you.

So where have I been?

Wow it’s been over a year since I last posted. Life has a funny way of getting in the way of life and the things we love to do.

My last post was July 2015. In the months well year plus since then my father passed away while I was on vacation with my family in Orlando at Disney.  We sorted and doled out my father’s things.  We watched the banks, yes plural fight over the house. We bought a car and well lived life.

School continued and I started working Lyft and Jamberry full-time doing well at both. Then I got a job offer out of the blue after doing some deliveries. I stepped back into the business world and realized that I really missed it and I am really good at it.  Oh and yeah I changed my major.

See part of my life goal is to follow my arrow, find my bliss and do good things.  I was finding that my arrow was no longer pointing to teaching and there was no bliss when I thought about standing in the classroom teaching.  My arrow was pointing elsewhere and I was too stubborn to follow it. But isn’t that how we find ourselves in jobs we only do for the paycheck, in relationships that we stay in because we are afraid to walk away and find better? So I took my own advice and decided to change my degree to Business Management.

I am a problem solver, a fixer a let’s make it better. In the business world I can do that at my own pace, in my own space and heck I can even create my own rules. I thrive working out the next problem, helping someone get what they are looking for and being a catalyst. Working with others that feel the same way.

Don’t get me wrong I still love to teach but I want to do it in a different setting. I want to teach others how to be better. It’s not about ABC’s and 123’s it’s about thriving and helping a business thrive and seeing the people who you work with thrive.

I’ve always wanted to own my own business. I can do that with Jamberry and to an extent with Lyft. BUT and it’s a big one. I want to create, build from the ground up my own business, not sure what that is yet but I know that I will have more open doors and more opportunities to hone my craft with a business degree, and well I’ve learned I love kids but not enough to spend 8+ hours a day with them.

I may be taking a small step back, but I know that I am following my arrow, that will lead to my bliss that will help me do good things.

Solo Journey…

My journey is mine alone. We may often share some joys and heartaches but, for the most part the path I am on I must travel those trials alone. This does not mean that I am truly alone in the sense of not having anyone to share it with. It just means that the trials and tribulation, the ups and the downs, the good and the bad are all something that I have to experience as myself. Not as a woman, wife, sister, daughter but as just lil ole me.

I feel there are two types of alone. There is the type of alone where I have no friends, no family no one to share my life with and the alone where it is just me. Where I exist as just me and my feelings and experiences. See we can share experiences with others but what they personally experience and the feelings they have after are totally different from yours. There is a nuance here that makes it so different.

This path I am on this year has been a struggle. While my husband was there with me every step of the way his pain and grief were of a different sort.  Where he had accepted some time ago that we would not bear children, I, on the other hand was still holding out hope and desire. Not to say he didn’t grieve as well. That happens when the hope or potential is gone.

We have each been dealing with the loss at the same time but in much different ways we are solo.

There have been many things and people that have loved and cried and helped us along the way. There have been many changes in our lives since February  2015 and I’m sure there will be more yet to come.

One of the positive changes we have made in our journeys is our path to better health and well-being. We starting going to a boxing club three times a week. There is something so gratifying after totally putting all of yourself into a workout, sweating it out leaving it all on the heavy bag, punching out the frustration, pushing yourself to do more, hit harder, move faster. Just be. Because when you are in front of that heavy bag, it’s just you gloved up throwing punches, focusing on hand and foot placement, moving your hips as you hit, all the little tiny things that go into such a large overall movement.

That is how a solo journey is, little tiny moments that make up one big change. We are barely two weeks into our boxing journey but each and every class 3 times a week I learn something more about myself. I learn I can push myself just a little bit harder each time, punch a little bit faster, do more crunches and butterfly kicks and do a knee plank just a little bit longer. AND if I can survive all that and come back for more than life gets just a little easier to deal with.

It’s all about small movements and changes that make the big things so much better.

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Flex Friday Feature Title Boxing Club Green Hills

So I guess that’s that…It’s not fair.

Well the visit with the oncologist was long and informative and exhausting all at the same time. It boils down to this.

I have a 6 inch cyst on my left ovary, yup you read that right six inches.  It is pushing my bladder and my uterus out of position which has been causing some auxiliary problems that I just thought were part of getting older.

The surgery will remove both ovaries, both fallopian tubes, my uterus and my cervix. They will be doing an open incision because they want to remove everything in tact so that they can do a frozen dissection and test for any other pre cancerous/cancerous cells.

I will be spending 4 to 5 days in the hospital afterwards and then 6 to 8 weeks on home rest after that.

Good news is that I will have plenty of time to complete my last three classes, bad news I won’t be able to do anything much.

We were hoping to keep one of my ovaries so that we could harvest eggs and possibly use a surrogate but the percentage of having viable eggs is less than 20% so adoption it is for us.

I’m sad, angry and ready to shout at the world it’s not fair. Because to be honest it’s not.

My husband and I have stable income a beautiful home and deeply desire to have a family of our own. Nieces and nephews are great but it’s just not the same.  Why is it that those that do not have these things can pop kids out seemingly on a whim?

I believe in choice and accountability for your actions but it’s just not fair. When I think about all the babies that are lost to abortions or not wanted or harmed by their “parents”.  Especially when their are loving couples that can provide all the love and support for these children. How do we live in a world where children are abused and tossed away so effortlessly?

When did it become okay for human life to become disposable? AGAIN and I can’t stress this enough what you decide to do with your body and the things that go in and come out of it is your business and your choice. I have no right to tell you what is right for you but for those of us that don’t have a choice it is very painful. It crushes our very souls. It weighs us down and makes us want to rip a new one in the fabric of society.

At the end of the day I will take my meds, put my cpap on and lay down and go to sleep and wake up in the morning with all these feelings bubbling to the surface. It has been like that for ten years. The yearning and desperate desire to be a mother, and who knows how much longer that desire will go unfulfilled.

At the end of it all I get to feel like it’s not ever fair nor will it ever be. I know there is no promise of fairness in this mortal life we live. I know that, and can’t change it.  I can acknowledge it and struggle to accept it but I don’t have to like it. Acceptance and like are not equal to each other. So therefore I can accept this hand dealt to me but I don’t have to like it.

The C word and the fear it strikes in my heart.

In November of 1992 my mother was diagnosed with late stage adenocarcinoma of the lung. By the time they found the cancer it had already spread to her bones and her internal organs and later her brain. From diagnosis to death it was a very short 90 days. She was 43 when she died.

I was 19 years old. I had just graduated from high school the previous June. I didn’t have a clue what to do next.

Flash forward to January of 2015, sitting in a coffee shop I received a call from my doctor. Atypical pre cancerous cells have been found in my uterus.  I am 41. The same age that my mother starting showing signs and symptoms of her cancer.

I have an appointment with the oncologist on the 26th of January. That is when we find out just how much surgery is involved and if chemo is going to happen.

I’m scared, terrified really. I feel like I’m in a living nightmare of recurring déjà vu. I know that cancer research has come a long way since 1993. I know that catching it early is a good thing. I know my chances are better, but I want to shout from the top of the world “It’s not fair”.

There are too many things I want to do in my life. To many moments I have left.  These are the thoughts that haunt me during the dark times. When it’s quiet and my brain likes to wander. When I wonder what is next.

Sure it’s a simple surgery, sure they just found atypical pre-cancerous cells in the one tiny sample of the vast landscape that is my innards, but that one tiny sample and those itty bitty cells that are not normal that are the breeding ground for much worse have screwed up my year.

See I started my second year at college. I’m doing great in school. Sure I struggle and cry over math. Once I understand the concepts it sticks to my brain like it is modge podged there. My marriage is great. L is my best friend and my reasonable side. I’m surround by friends and family that love me and care about me and make me feel secure and supported.

So why the hell am I so scared?

Because I don’t want this to be my end. Because I’m better than this. My life is worth more than a few stupid abnormal cells. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to know what’s on the other side. I have too many things to conquer in my life.

I want more long walks with my husband.

I want more peanut butter, strawberry jelly, mint and bacon toasted sandwiches at Clawson’s.

I want to cruise the world with the love of my life.

I want to dig toes in the sand and watch the sun set as often as possible.

I want my life to mean something.

I want to change the lives of those around me.

I want more sloppy wet dog noses smearing my glasses.

I want more Notre Dame Football and Predators Hockey.

I want more laughter and inside jokes with my husband.

I want more quite times for us to just be.

I want life and all it’s glory and ugliness to go on until the twilight of my years.

See I am still wanting, I am still selfish, yet never lacking in these moments of my life. I know it is early in my diagnois but these are the fears that plague me in the darkness of night.

Retail Pet Peeves.

I have re-entered the retail world after almost 20 years of leaving working retail. Now mind you I was just and guilty of some of the following rules for shopping that I am going to share with you.

See part of my job is to clean up the store at the end of the night, to return stock to the shelves where it belongs. Yeah that means that I spend an hour putting those 18 packets of merchandise you decided you didn’t want right when you checked out. Now multiply that by 800 customers all day long and that’s a TON of merchandise to return each night, and I don’t get to go home until it’s done. Not to mention the ton of trash customers bring into the store. We have to clean up your Starbucks cups, your french fries and yes even your dirty diapers you can’t seem to throw in the trash. Not to mention the horror of the bathrooms. Really we are all grown ups here clean up after yourself. There is no need to smear your poop around. (Yes this really happened and yes we know it was an adult because it was spelled correctly and up too high to be a small child)

1. I am a person please speak to me in a civil tone.  I am not your punching bag. I will do the best I can to help you find what you want but if we don’t have it you do not have the right to cuss me out, yell at me or treat me like crap.

2. If you are shopping in a big chain store know that just because the ad says we carry something doesn’t mean that our specific store carries it. The way it works is as follows: Stores 1-30 sell a  ton of product A. Product A sells great on the West Coast and Mid West, it does not sell at all in the South so it is not stocked in Southern stores. The company only prints ONE ad for the entire nation. So read the fine print where it says may not be available in all stores.

3. Those little people with you are most likely your children or children you are responsible for. Please do your job and parent them. Letting them pull things off the shelves and throw it on the floor is not good manners. Nor is letting them drop kick balls across the store. Leaving poop filled dirty diapers in your shopping cart is just lazy. We have bathrooms USE them.

4. Love Starbucks Hot Chocolate and their Steamers as much as the next person but I do not love picking up your nasty cup you left on a shelf in the empty spot you made when you moved the merchandise off the shelf and placed it on the floor.

5. Yes we have a markers, NO the white shelves are not there for you to write on to test out the markers, so unless you are Banksy stop tearing open marker packages and “testing” out the color on the shelves.

6. If the store you’re in has a number system in order to help you, USE it. It’s there so that everyone can be helped so that you don’t have to wait in line. In fact most places that have number systems will use their PA system to call your number. So I promise you will not lose your spot, we will not forget you.

7. When we tell you your card was declined the first time it is possible that it was a bad swype or a wrong button press. Anything after two or three just accept that there is a problem with your card. No need to say “I swear there is money in my account I just made a deposit”. or “I know it works I just used it”. To be honest most of us could care less why your card does or does not work.

8. I am glad to help you, in fact I get paid to do it but I do not get paid to be your personal shopper. I don’t know what color blue will match your 30 year old sofa unless you bring me a sample.

9. I love Pinterest, we all love pinterest but unless you come in with the instructions I will not know how to make the cute picture you are showing me.

10. It would be great if when you come up to have fabric cut, check out or ask me for help if you would take your headphones off and put your conversation on hold.  I can’t help you if you can’t hear what I’m saying. On that same note the rest of the world does not need to hear your conversation. Remember you are in a public place no need to yell.

These are just some of the things that have rumbling around my brain the last few months.

What are your retail pet peeves?